shade

7/12/04

shade under trees
with nothing to shade the trees

it's almost as if
these sacrifices keep life balanced

it seems the sun
doesn't understand

thinking the tree
shouldn't have to stand

in the heat
to shade the ground

but without the ground
there is nothing for the tree to stand on

the last time i saw my mother

she saw me as her own
and i was
but twelve years passed
and now i see
this person, this friend
and she sees me as my own

twelve years of
trauma
drama
and dying respect

last time i called her mother
she smiled, but ignored
it's just a title, just a word
my mother, or your mother
just six letters
held together

last time i cried for mother
she left me in the dark
waiting in the hallway
until i finally gave up
morning came
and my tears had dried

the last time i saw my mother
i was just a child
i woke up the next morning
in this adult world

much alone.

Truth Hurts

It gets later and I get more lonely.
It gets harder and I get more tired.
It gets stronger and I get more angry.
It gets better and I give up.

Back Again

Months and months,
inspired by a well made pen
and a brief free moment.

These days have run together
with busy lives
and planners.

My body is tired
and my hand aches
with idleness.

It's been too long,
so long.

And I can't remember
the last words written.

Where did I leave off?
Where could I start?

Mind is always drifting,
leaving things behind,

maybe for someone else.

I come back.
I always come back.

Never Dumb

Deaf to the world.

My eyes lose focus.

There is just motion.

The motions.

The music to which the trees are choreographed,
and the birds.

Lost It

I find myself here,
inside this blank room,
Nothing but me.

Twsited in a silent scream,
pulling at myself,
to find a place to tear.

To rip.

But out there,
I sit still.

My face expressionless
as I lose myself.

And in my eyes you can see me falling,
deeper into this void.

Lost.

And you couldn't pull me back
if you tried.

My hands would slip,
my heart would slip,
my mind has slipped.

Push Leads to Shovel

Frustrated.

All of the things
I told myself not to allow
have happened.

I understand that
I don't have control
of everything.

I do feel as though
I've messed up again
I hate messing up.

Please stop pushing
I've backed myself up
against a wall.

Too weak to climb
my eyes darting
for any escape.

Only place to go now
is down, so thanks
for the shovel.

Buried.

Love

Fostered,
destroyed.

This cycle,
this pattern.

A rhythm,
your own.

Loved,
endlessly.

Advantageous,
detrimental.

Love formed
loved ruin.

Opposition/Ratification

Respect the cold
Accept the sun
Reject your habits
Object their habits

Respect their values
Accept your values
Reject their immorals
Object your immorals

Respect yourself
Accept yourself
Reject their pressure
Object their pressure

Have faith in change.

Light Bulb

Their voices sting my ears
Dry my mouth
Blur my vision.

The banter, the words
make my skin shift,
uncomfortably.

Ignore it,
look past it,
shut my ears to it.

I wish I could.

I turn off,
flip myself
like a switch.

I'll pop,
like a light bulb,
burnt out.

Crack!

Dream Cacao

Wicked Kamel tattoo;
Starry night covers my chest;
U.F.O. on my back


my dreams are silly
like me
they only make sense
to those who make none
but at least i remember
that is good and better

tie it together
just to see
write it
remember it
forget it
come back

U.F.O. photos
stars on the ceiling
Kamel cigarettes

I was dreaming of Cacao.